of missing Tiesto spin tonight, I stopped at my local record shop today and picked up two INCREDIBLE cd's to keep me company. The first, Nyana, mixed by Tiesto, and the soundtrack to Stark Raving Mad, ala John Digweed. Nyana was very predictable, and of course a masterpiece. Digweeds disc???? OFF THE HOOK! I can barely stay in my chair while listening to it, however, I contained myself for the sake of my co-workers. If you enjoy electronica, this is a must have for your collection. Okay, now I am hungry and need to order up some food. Pizza or pizza? I think I'll go with pizza.

The pace of my life has been exhausting for the past 13 years, and I am looking forward to pairing down and slowing WAY back. I started my education at the Art Institute of Dallas in 1989, graduated in 91 with an Associate of Arts, and then continued to Ashland University in OH. I spent the next 3 years of my life there obtaining a Bachelor of Science, double majoring in Business Administration and Criminal Justice.

My plan at the time was to continue on to law school at Northwestern University. I made sure to keep my GPA at an acceptable level, did extremely well on the LSAT, and was ready to roll...

At the end of my junior year my father passed away and I lost sight of my dreams. The goal most forefront in my mind was to move back to central Illinois to be near my family and friends. I finished my final semester in Illinois working an internship before I graduated. In 1995 things started ramping up for the "Year 2000" catastrophy and I began graduate school, studying computer science. Shortly thereafter, I was hired by a consulting firm to work on a year 2000 project at a local fortune 100 company. 8 years and 2 firms later, I am still consulting at that same company.

Friends, I am tired. I have been chasing the "American dream" for too long, and it doesn't bring about happiness, peace, or any sort of fulfillment. As most of you know, I just sold my house as the result of a divorce. I am moving into VERY modest accomodations where I will be able to relax and not be on guard 24/7, financially or otherwise. I have sold all of my furniture, and am only replacing essentials.

I am actually looking forward to spending some quiet nights by myself, just enjoying some peace, playing the guitar, listening to some great music, or really, doing anything that I want. Pleae don't misunderstand, I am not becoming a hermit, I just needs some room to breathe.

Once I clear the cobwebs out, I really need to decide what I am going to do with my life. I just know that where I am isn't the place for me.

Last nights dreams haunt me through the daylight hours. My usual dialog is carefully planned to steer away from my personal life, but todays entry may just have to be an exception. I also have the other parties consent to divulge what I will.

Andi is a girl that I dated for a few months shortly after my divorce. We had what I like to refer to as a "Shooting Star" relationship that was very bright, very hot, very fast and ended just as quickly. We were both at a very confused point in life, and found solace in each others arms, legs, beds and company.

I have many fond memories of our few months as a couple, and our years of friendship that preceded. Last night I had wild dreams that chronicled our relationship, of course with some twists, as only dreams can do. One of the very vivid memories that I hold is a late summer night when there was a very bad thunderstorm. She led me by the hand to her back patio where we made out in a chaise lounge while the lightning was flashing and the rain was coming down in torrents. Wow, that was a night....

Andi and I were very close in age, lifestyle, intelligence, career point and income level. We also had an amazing chemistry that knew no bounds. I still wonder on occasion exactly what happened. Cest la vie. And yes, life moves on.

Just for grins, I went this morning and test drove a new Nissan 350 Z. Holy cow, that is a RIDE!!! The ever so pushy salesman, for grins, asked me to fill out a credit app to see if I would qualify, hahaha. There was no danger at all of my qualifying for a thirty five thousand dollar car, so I did it. Ill be darned, I got a call an hour ago, and they want to know when I am coming to pick it up. There is NOOO earthly way that I can justify spending that kind of money on an auto, as it goes against everything that I believe in. I cannot believe that there is a bank out there stupid enough to want to lend ME that kind of cash. Yes, I guess that I could afford it, but I don't want to.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot!!!!! Instead of going to Banff, I am going to be attending Burning Man this year. YIPPEEEE!!! I am looking for others to go with, and if anyone from this area is going or wants to, PLEASE email me!!!! Even if you aren't from this area, I don't have a group to camp with, and would love to be taken in by some kind folk.

Bernese Mountain Dog

No bones about it, you're a good-hearted, people-loving Bernese Mountain Dog. Down-to-earth and loyal, no one works or plays harder than you do. You put your nose to the grindstone when it really counts, but you never neglect your social calendar. Simultaneously strong and sweet, you're very tuned-in to the feelings and needs of the other dogs you run with. Without having to be asked, you always have a helping paw to lend and a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. "Communication" is your middle name, and when that's paired with your unswerving devotion, you get a breed that everyone respects and trusts. Woof!

Broch, your unconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.

Sweet 'n' Sexy

You're not overt about your sexuality, but you're not purposely hiding it either — two traits that naturally draw people to you. You possess an understated zest for life, and a way of approaching the day with a can-do attitude that draws people to you. As a teenager, were you maybe a little on the quiet side? Even if you weren't, it's clear that underneath your occasionally understated statements, you have an undeniable sweetness that attracts people who see that special something burning from within.

Is it the way you carry yourself? That quiet sparkle in your eye? Those who know you intimately can't wait to uncover your sweetness. What's hiding behind that innocent smile? A little devil perhaps? A tattoo in a seductive spot saved only for your lover? Possibly, but you're so good, you'll never tell. Or will you?

My Way

You're a straight-shooter with strong-willed resolve. That's why Limp Bizkit's "My Way" is your theme song. When you're at your best, you're holding court at the local restaurant, or hitting the highway with friends for a road trip. (Of course you're driving). We can see you facing that mechanical bull at the bar even after it throws you three times in a row. You don't back down easily and you're not afraid to make changes and make them fast. When those first few beats and vinyl scratches start playing in your head, you've got all the motivation you need to speak up, and get started with a new direction. And if others don't immediately appreciate your style, they know where the highway is. You're always ready to do it your way.

I want to be far away from here right now. Every day I have a reminder of the most painful experience that I have ever been through.

Climbing higher and higher, and possibly needing an oxygen tank!!! I'm climbing right now to see what exactly the future holds. It is really hard to climb high enough to get that vantage point! My feet are getting a little sore, and it is hard to breathe.

Aprils alien buddies have been giving me an assist, and with their help, I can see that bright days are ahead. Some plans that I had been making for late in the summer involving my place of residence are no longer in the works, and that has me wondering where exactly I will be going from my temporary "Springboard" housing situation. There are some very difficult decisions that I need to make sometime soon, and I am not looking forward to them. Nothing huge, but hard nonetheless.

Well, I am going to continue my trek up this steep peak, so I better concentrate!

G'night!

Major props to the Mad Design Skillz of April. A few weeks ago I had an email discussion with her about a redesign for my site, and this is what she came up with. I absolutely love it.

With all of the changes going on in my life, I wanted a fresh design here at brochspot as well. Please bear with me while I am still moving things from one design to the other. It will take me about a week to get things in order. This design keeps much more to my original idea of the site, insofar as it is much cleaner, and has a wonderful visual appeal to it. Please feel free to comment and leave any suggestions.

Thank you all for being part of my life, you all rock!

I just spent 3 gorgeous days in southern Illinois camping with my closest friends from grade school, junior high, and high school. After 20 years of friendship with these guys, things were just like they were the last time I saw them.

Our friend Bob, Soda, is getting married, and this was his bachelor party. As we all grew up, we spent the greater portion of our weekends camping, so we thought this would be the best way to celebrate.

Too many secrets that I can't disclose about the weekend, or I would have to be put in the witness protection program!!! I will post some photos though.

I have been aware of an impending doom, (small in the scheme of things, but felt like doom anyway), that has been looming over my head since my birthday. Today the axe finally fell, and you know what? I breathed a sigh of relief. As it turns out, the anticipation of the doom was far more frightening than the act itself. To celebrate, I am going to book my trip to Banff this week. Hooray for me! I may even stop for a beverage after work tonight at my favorite watering hole.

Thanks to all of you who make an occasionally troublesome existence worth waking up and smiling everyday.

For those of you who may not particularly like a certain something about me, say, the way I dress?? Fuck you.

The movie "Heathers" always left me with a slight chill running down my spine from the idea that there are actually people out there that are that sociopathic. Giving your friend a wakeup glass of draino, just because she is a little bitchy is outside of my realm of comprehension.

In general though, Ill give the movie a 9 for its ability to point out that side of humanity, yet remain comical.

As for something going on in my personal life today, all I can say is....Damnit!

In my attempt to share a little bit more about me, I am going to follow the tradition of a "Things list." Not a hundred things, but things nonetheless.

Normal, IL, is my hometown.
Life finally became clear to me last year.
I am 33
My only sibling is 32, she is VERY cool.
We were both adopted by the two most wonderful people in the world.
Growing up is something I will never do.
Many liberal ideas float in my skull, make no mistake, I am conservative.
My skin has no holes or ink in it, yet.
I am bald, Moby style!
Blue is the color of my eyes
My personality type is ENFP bordering INFP.
I was once married to a really cool chick named Cathy.
We never had children.
I have a bachelor of science from Ashland University.
That still cracks me up.
If you give me a great backrub, I will buy you lots of chocolate.
If you buy me lots of chocolate, I will give you a massage that you will NEVER forget.
My sense of humor can be twisted, please don't take offense.
Most people have a filter that prevents them from saying inappropriate or insensitive things.
I don't have one.
Sexy little glasses rawk my world.
I find artistic talent and a good singing voice to be extremely attractive.
Mother Teresa and Ghandi are two of my role models. My mom and grandfather are also heroes to me.
I have played the bass since the 4th grade.
If money did not matter, and eventually it won't, I would like to play the bass in a band that plays at small smokey blues clubs.
I am a photographer.
I am a writer.
I want to take your picture, then write about it.
Shoes and Jackets fill my closets.
DJ Tiesto rocks my soul!
I used to spin records myelf.
Travel is my favorite way to spend my time and money.
Chicago is my favorite city in the US, 2nd would be Monterey, CA.
I have been friends with the same group of people since the 4th grade.
Ones career does not define who they are, what they do with the rest of their day does.
I would rather have inner peace than win a huge lottery.
I have broken all of my toes, both thumbs, and my left leg.
I was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks with chicken pox.
I try to live every day deliberately, and to practice random acts of kindness on the way.
If there is anything else you would like to know, ask away....

"Mourning"

Is there something that you are trying to say
Don't hold back now
It's been a long time since I felt this way
So don't hold back now

I purposely forgot about
Loving anyone
Cause I'm the only one who has
Who has been stepped upon

Is there something that you are trying to say
Cause I can take it
Cause I grew up a man this way
And if I'm hurt I'll shake it

I'll crawl back into my cave
That's how I'll make it
Cause out of all this hurt we have
Beauty thus become
Beauty thus become

[Chorus:]
In the mourning I can see the sights
No wonder I could never keep you satisfied
In the mourning I can see inside
Myself and all the things that you were trying to hide
[Repeat]

Wishing all the best for you
And now I will say goodbye
Cause all the shit that we've been through
Put wisdom in my eyes

So walk away, don't turn around
Cause I won't be standing here
Cause all the lies that I've been living through
Are becoming very clear
And beauty thus become

[Chorus]

Then you conned me into thinking
That all I had was you
The small insinuations
Were cutting me through
Cutting me through

And now I stand alone here
Stronger than before
And I'll never go back
Never go back
Never go

True words aren't eloquent;
eloquent words aren't true.
Wise men don't need to prove their point;
men who need to prove their point aren't wise.

The Master has no possessions.
The more he does for others,
the happier he is.
Th more he gives to others,
the wealthier he is.

The Tao nourishes by not forcing.
By not dominating, the Master leads.

Tao Te Ching, v.81

until I can leave a dust trail, at least the option will be there. It is ironic that we place ourselves into voluntary servitude in order to impress those around us. What message is it that we are sending by spending uber cash on uber toys? There is a subdivision in my town called Hawthorne Hills. Some of the homes there are inhabited by individuals who have an income that is not so far above mine. Believe me when I tell you that my income is not that incredible. The thing that I find so disturbing by this is that homes there start in the neighborhood of 250K. I thank God daily that my parents raised me with the understanding that just because you CAN buy something, doesn't mean that you necessarily should. I have been tracking my spending for the past month and a half, down to the penny, and have noticed disturbing trends.

I have even begun to evaluate the project studio that I have been dreaming of building. What is the opportunity cost of having that studio??? Does it come at the cost of not spending 2 weeks in Scotland? Does it come at the cost of missing a wedding of a close friend, or missing a bachelor party??? Would I really use the project studio to work on anything substantial, or would I stare at it and use it as a coat rack??? Bah, I already know the answers to these questions.

It has very recently come to my attention that one does not get a very good picture of exactly who I am from brochspot.com, and I am sorely concerned about that. I never really intended for this site to be an all encompassing diatribe on the Brochman, but I do want my readership to have an accurate view of what makes me tick and what makes me tock. With the year of our Lord, 2003, being a year of supreme and ultimate change for my online and real world crew of late-twenty to mid thirty-something friends (Myself HEAVILY included), I would like to morph this site into a place where you can really get a more intimate view of my thoughts and personality. None of this means that I plan on exposing a great deal more about my personal life, but maybe a few more thoughts regarding how my life is impacted by it, and the direction it is heading in.

As the year moves on, and as my direction becomes more focused, I am not sure that I will work where I do now, nor will I live in the same area that I do. I have some dreams that I want to fulfill and I need to make sure that I do them while I am young and have the desire.

Our giant blue marble is out there waiting to be explored, and there are mountain-sides waiting for me to camp on them. Several years ago I swore that if I ever found myself single again, that I would fly by the seat of my pants and truly live. At the present time I am feeding into a consumer driven society that wants to keep me as another cog in the wheel of free enterprise. It is my God-given right to take a step back and let the wheel spin freely without me. No, I'm not talking about boycotting Wal-Mart, that would just make me stupid. What I AM talking about is being more mindful of where I utilize my resources, and making sure that those limited resources are utilized in the wisest fashion. Instead ot spending $275.00 to have the most Uber hiking boots in the world, a wonderful pair of Vasque boots can be had for 150. Instead of spending $35,000.00 for a new BMW 330, spend $12,000.00 for a like new 2000 GTP. I think that you all get my point.

I have had a lot of time to think over the past couple days, and I need to regain some of the direction that I began last year with, and stay with it.

This is pretty much the scariest thing that I have ever read. How can they do this????

Your name of Broch gives you self-assurance, independence, and confidence. You have depth of mind and the ability to concentrate and to follow a line of thought to a logical conclusion. Your love of challenging the concepts of others invariably leads you to create your own ideas and to pioneer new lines of thought. Your strong characteristic of individuality qualifies you as a leader. You must be independent and you do not brook interference in any way. Although you do not tolerate interference in your own affairs, this characteristic does not prevent you from interfering in the affairs of others. You are usually either telling or showing someone how to do something properly. Although you are good-natured and never intend offence, still your blunt, direct and candid manner of expression strains friendships; your honesty and sincerity earn respect from others. You have to be your own boss as it is most difficult for you to submit to direction from others. Problems with your health centre in the head and you could suffer with head tension, head colds, headaches, and sinus congestion. There is a strong tendency for you to worry.

I have just been told that I may be moving from 2nd shift to the lucrative but scary 3rd shift. What naughty thing have I done to deserve this??? Staffing is a major concern in my current contract, and I was just renewed for another year, but I had NO earthly idea about this. Damnit.

The week is flying by, and the weekend quickly approches. I am SOOO looking forward to a little R&R. I have been Uber Busy trying to get everything in the house either sold, donated, packed, or set on the curb. With June 8th quickly approaching, I want to be ready. My baby sister is going to be visiting for the last week in may, and I don't want to be worrying about packing while she is here.

I. need. a. vacation. Banff is at the top of my list for places to go this fall, and I really think that it is going to happen. Being in a place of complete transition, I need time to collect my thoughts and have some peace.

Ok, things have been quiet. Life has been rather quiet, to tell the tale... I am not complaining. I needed a few days of rest after last week. No matter how many times I do it, I will never get used to burying someone close to me. I am probably getting more caloused about it though, as I have been able to function this week without thinking too much about it.

I have been getting a good portion of my things moved as my move date approaches, it is nice to already have a place to move to, so the process is flowing much more smoothly. No big rush at the end, and that will give me more time to clean. I plan on being completely moved out of the house by June 8th.

Life rolls on everyone, life rolls on.

To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson