Happy birthday to me! Life is good. Often painful and irritating, but good. Im thankful for another year, and that is all that I can ask for. Here is a shout out to my mom, thank you for 33 wonderful years of love, kindness, patience and understanding that defies convention. You rock!

I love reading others blogs, I really do. There is one in particular that I am fond of, and until recently, thought that the writer was pretty much ok, although a little neurotic. While reading that blog, and many others, I have noticed a disturbing trend. Open minded "Liberals" are VERY open minded, and are willing to accept anyone into the fold, so long as they have similar opinions and views as they do. Once you spout one sentence of conservativism or reverence towards any subject, you are doomed and considered stodgy, or even a web "Newbie."

Get with it, you silly little trust-fund bohemians. We do not appreciate you, nor do we even find you amusing. I don't care how many countries you have visitied, lived in, or speak the native tongue of. Your father was an ambassador? Kiss my ass, mine sold paper. I know that you think your complete irreverance, and naughty-girl attitude makes you super-fly, I think that it shows your greatest flaw, which I noticed is one of your top dislikes, ignorance. Another thing, you crave "Geek Chic," and spend your trust fund money on uber-expensive gadgets. Sorry babe, a pair of black-rimmed glasses and a palm pilot doesn't put you on my level. Come into my house for some schooling. Nevermind, go to Noses house, that bitch can school you around the block!

You let other people define your "Coolness." You are a sad little lemming. Oooh, who can you impress?? Not me.

Good luck to all of you, I really hope that you find what you are looking for in life. If George W. is the anti-christ in your eyes, you really need to go back to school.

Saturday night my friend Mark and I enjoyed the rare occasion of sitting down with his father and having a nice long talk about... everything and nothing. My father passed away 10 years ago and since his dad was my dads best friend, he became a surrogate father to me. Our families were very close, and we even vacationed together a few times.

I was awakened this morning by a phone call letting me know that shortly after Marks father returned home on Saturday night, that he had passed away. He had been suffering from Small Cell Carcinoma for many months, and we had noticed on Saturday just how tired he was. I thank God for the gift of the opportunity to sit down with him to BS for awhile, shortly before he was taken from us.

This is yet another moment that makes me realize just how short life is, and that we dare not waste a moment before telling those that are close to us just how much we love them.

We all reach places in life where we are at a crossroads. The different paths that lay before us can substantially affect where we end up a few years from now.

I am at a major crossroads in my life, quite possibly the most substantial up to this time. The sale of my house closes a major chapter of my life, and everything starts over again from this point. The number of areas that I am facing crossroads in is overwhelming and includes; Housing, Career, This years vacation hot-spot, Geographic location, social life and financial plans.

It is really cool to start fresh, and wonder what in the world to do with yourself. I have SO many options open to me right now, and it is tough to figure out what exactly is the right path for ME....

Folks, I was dead serious about sending each of you a little piece of my home furnishings. It will be some very cool little trinket, and you will love it. All I ask is for your snail mail addy, so I can send it to you. It sucks trying to send a package through email. I think that you all know me well enough to know that I am not crazy enough, nor do I have the financial resources, to stalk you across the miles...

I sold my house today. I am overjoyed. Time for this muthafucka to buy some toys.

Our time here on this big blue marble is quite brief. Actually, the big blue marble is rather insignificant. As infinitely small as we all may feel, and as brief of a time we are here for, each of us is capable of wonderful and terrible things. I challenge each of you to stop right now and take a look at your life. Who is in it, and why are they there? People come into our lives for different reasons. It is how you manage that interaction that determines your flight pattern. Those of you who know me also know the ex. Many of you absolutely hate her, and I am asking you to please look at the good that she has done in my life. Am I the same person today that I was before I met her??? No way! I am sure that each of you is also thankful for that. Please let the past be the past, and lets get on with our beautiful lives.

I would love to say that the past year has been all good. I faced my dark side this year. Not a pretty place, folks. Trust me, we all have one.

2003 is going to be a great year, because I am going to make it one. Happiness is a choice, and it is not limited by circumstance. Find joy wherever you are.

When I throw a stone across a pond, what the hell is it going to hit??? Does it matter? Life is weird right now, and some days I really feel like I am just treading water. I was sick for the weekend, and spent most of it in bed, flat on my back. Thankfully, I had some very nice friends drop off some 7up and Jello, Yo.

Again, life is really weird, and even sort of messy. To my friends in the know, thank you for the regular ass kickings and assurances. It is nice to know that I will hear the truth from all of you reguardless to whether I want to hear it or not. You guys (and girls) rawk the kasbah.

Hi Dad, it has been awhile. I know where you are, and that you are in wonderful company. Some of my friends have headed your way, much too young to make the trip. Please take good care of Zach, Sterling, Amy, Connie, and especially Coryn. I almost wonder if Coryn was there waiting for you as you arrived. I was holding her hand when she headed that way, and seeing the peace on her face as she left me let me know what a beautiful place she was heading to.

Im so glad that my sister got to send you off with well wishes, and I only regret that I wasn't there to share the phone call with her. As I tried to go to sleep that night I felt your presence in my room, and it was extremely comforting. I do want you to know that I have felt your presence many times since that night, and none stronger than I have recently. I guess it is true that you have some knowledge of what is going on here.

I hope that you have seen a few moments in my life that I wish you were there for. You know, for the misunderstandings that you and I had, you really did a great job raising me. I can only hope to be half of the father that you were, if I am blessed with children someday.

You know, mom is doing really well. I have kept my promise to you, and always try to be there for her. We are going to have lunch tomorrow at Lone Star. No, I still don't eat meat, nor do I plan on it anytime soon.

Mark and I are still as close as ever, and often compare ourselves to you and Don. We love sitting and watching the grass grow while having a beer and smoking. I do have a little disturbing news, and I hope it may give you at least a little something to look forward to. Dad, Don is going to be coming you way soon, as he has been suffering with Small Cell Carcinoma. One great thing though, and I hope that you are ready for this!! Don was able to see 4 of his grandchildren born this year!!! Jill had triplets, and Matts wife Kirsten had a baby as well.

Terry, Steve, Bob, Jon, Doug and the rest of that crew are doing wonderfully, and you would really be proud of all of them. We all still laugh and joke about the good old days when we used to sneak beer out to the campgrounds and hope that one of our parents wouldn't bust us.

Well Dad, this has really been an amazing year for me. It started off with a divorce, but that really caused me to reevaluate things and set my priorities in line with who I am. I am slowly reaching my potential, and I want to thank you for everything. It is an absolute honor to know that you and mom chose me to be your son. You guys really sacrificed a lot for us, and we always knew just how much you loved us no matter what was going on. Above all, I want you to know that you were an EXCELLENT father. I wouldn't have wanted anything different. I knew that you were strict out of love.

I can't believe that I am sitting here crying like a little kid while writing to you, but I miss you and would love some of your sage advice once in awhile.

I have someone very wonderful in my life right now, and you would really love her. She and I share so many of the same dreams, and really have a great time together. We are taking things slow dad, so don't worry.

Im sure that little sis and mom would both want me to say hello to you, and to send their love. I have a great need to know that you got this and I fully believe that you will. Just let me know in your own way that you did, and I would be appreciative.

I love you Dad,

Broch

Kubrick was a disturbed individual, but made great movies nonetheless. Personally, I am a little off kilter, but make no movies. None that I will admit to at least. Why I hand this kind of ammo to Crutch is beyond me. I spend more time monitoring that punks comments than I do writing entries.

I am trying to look past any speedbumps and just cruise down the road. While I am still trying like a madman to define a few things in my life, I am soaking everything in and living for what is good right now. There is a lot of it. There are bridges to cross, fields to walk through, mountains to climb and oceans to navigate. One of the best parts of it all is that I can do it without fear and with reckless abandon. I have decided to live the rest of my life that way.

Why this is happening to me, I don't know. Someone very close to me recently shared with me that she often has horrific nightmares. I seem to have taken on this trait myself, and I am absolutely terrified to close my eyes again. I have fallen asleep twice tonight, only to be awakened by extremely frightening nightmares. These aren't the ones that children experience that send them crashing through parents doors. These are nightmares that attack the very core of my self, and come after me in a way that only my darkest personal demons could.

I had forgotten some of my fears and insecurities, and would love to send out a huge thank you to my subconscious for completely crippling me at the moment. I am not a small guy, and have not feared anything or anyone for many years. I am literally terrified to fall asleep. I have some things that I would like to do anyway, so I can keep myself busy.

Im not really sure what it is folks, but something strange is going on here in blog-land. I just get a really weird vibe that not all is well. If anyone could please shed some light, I would entertain a discussion.

Im finding myself in a new place in my life, which I am sure is no big surprise. The past year has been full of new, interesting, delightful and scary things for me. Somedays I wake up and feel like I have been completely sand-bagged. Other days I wake up and want to get outside quickly to see what the day has to offer. And then yet other days again, I want to pull the covers back over my fucking head.

I thought that growing pains ended somewhere around 14 years old. I feel robbed that I was not prepared for this in any high school or college course. Here I am, 32, almost 33 years old. My entire life is being turned upside down, and I am finally realizing that I don't have a scripted existence, nor do I have anyones expectations to live up to. The only bar that I have to measure myself against is my own potential. I have lived miserably below that level for my entire life. One thing that has been made so simply clear to me, is that if I can dream it, I can do it.

There is a dream that I have had since I was somewhere around 18 years old. It is a business venture which would be surrounded by a dramatic life shift. Being the visionary that I am, I just see the big picture. The picture and direction are VERY clear, and I can see the entire operation in place, and know the kind of feel that I want in the place. When I close my eyes, I can see, hear and smell the place around me. I have been blessed with someone who has a wonderful mind and attention to detail. This is something that I don't normally discuss, but since the dream is becoming more clear in my mind, I need to let it breathe a little bit, and talking about it seems to be able to do that for me.

I hope that all of you are well, and that blessings are pouring themselves on you the way that they have been on me. Life isn't perfect, but REALLY, REALLY close.

I find myself having fallen down a spiral staircase, deep into the depths of my soul. I did not reach for the comfort of the handrail. I did not search for the banister. I allowed myself to keep tumbling, falling, and have still not come to rest at a point of comfort. Further I tumble, into the depths, not even yet realizing what point will be enough, or if there is even a point where I will be able to reach up to grasp at anything at all. I allow this tumble, not beginning to think of the consequences. The universe has ordered this, and I must allow the process to continue. This appears to be our way to fall. Where it will stop, I do not know. As my head glances off of the occasional step, a pain is felt. I ignore it for the possible return of bliss.

Falling further into the depths I continue. What a ride.

These are not the rantings of a madman, nor by any influence of chemicals. This is the heartfelt writing that I have been keeping in the wraps of my mind. I can't stop the flow any longer.

You are out there, I am here. If you care to join me in the tumble, take my hand, and let's take a walk.

When fear grips your soul, and you are prevented from even being able to put one foot in front of the other, how do you proceed? The human soul is capable of feeling pain at depths that are unimaginable. Pain, both physical and emotional, is capable of shifting the landscapes of our being. I watched as physical pain reduced my absolute hulk of a father to a very fragile man that I had to be cautious with how hard I hugged him. I have watched loneliness and the lack of affection turn friends of mine into something barely resembling a human being, and more likely resembling Golem from "The Lord of the Rings."

I simply do not have the answer, my friends.

We each have our burdens to bear, and our crosses to carry. I wish each of you a lighter load, along with a life full of laughter and love.

I am so excited, as on the 30th I am going to be a whopping 33 years old! Where the hell did my life go??? Worry not, this has been the absolute best year of my life. It keeps getting much better all of the time, save for a few speedbumps. I don't let myself sweat that though.

More than ever I am excited to get the house sold, and my realtor had better get it taken care of soon. At the end of his contract I am going to pull it from him, slash the price and move it myself. I have soooo many posessions to get rid of between now and then, so any of you who are close and need things, I have almost an entire home full of furnishings that will go at rock bottom prices. For those of you who are near and dear to me, yet geographically challenged, please send me your snail mail addy's, and I will send you something extremely cool from my gigantic collection of home accessories. You will not be dissapointed!!!

In these crazy times that we live in, with the blanched earth below us, it is hard to find a place to take solitude. But for a few times in our life the turmoil and unrest of our daily lives choke out that which is to spring into being.

Magic things can happen though, and when you least expect it, an Angel may take your hand and walk with you. Within a moment, subtle nuances of life become clear and the spring ushers forth fresh beginnings of a new chapter in life.

While such fabled occurences are seldom to enter our lives, we must hold on to the hope that they will befall each one of us.

I am sitting here listening to DJ Tiesto,In Search of Sunrise, letting the universe be. Everything is flowing gently around me at this point and time, and I want to let each of you know, I am enjoying the walk. While a storm brews on deep within my soul, the torrent is tamed and the walk continues.